You will never leave me

This is the season when we tend to reflect about our lives..yet sometimes it takes us a lot of time and insight to understand what a mother means for us.

I am extremely blessed to have my mom in my life; even though she is geographically far we are close as we can be. Technology acts as the miracle which keeps as connected everyday although we are both old timers and love to send each other things through snail mail every once in a while :-)

I could state that my mom is a regular one; but in my world she is far from that.
She did some studies; she left things behind to take care of her kids; she took the time to teach me what I believe is a conspicuous amount of who I am; even so she instructed me by being herself. And she keeps herself very busy these days :)
My mother made and keeps making lots of mistakes..then I am a novice at being a mommy myself so I understand now how difficult it is not to make any!

What I cherish the most is the fact that she supports me in every way. When I do right, when I do wrong, when I am not sure which road to take, when in pain so as in laughter, when feeling lonely as well as when I have the happiest news to share. She is always there for me.
As I said, I am blessed and lucky.

I have friends who lost their moms; others who have them very far from their hearts. Some of them can't share any feelings since their moms won't listen and there are the ones whose moms are sick and can't take care of themselves.
I believe in one way or another we all have a mother in our hearts and souls. It can be a chosen one; someone who plays that role when in lack of the one related by blood.

My mother gives me unconditional love and this is what gives me strength, confidence and makes me feel heard when in need. She will also disagree when she wants to show me I am wrong.
I learned that each sibling in a family has a "different" mom even when it is the same. Then I guess we are different kids and that may be the reason why we "live" different relationships each one of us. Still, this is the mom we have and we love her in our own particular ways.

Many times we wish our moms could change and be someone we want her to be. Now..remember when they say "you can't change anybody but yourself"? Oh well..this is I believe one of our biggest challenges in life: to accept, conciliate with this person who does the best she can, the best way she knows.
Come to think that mothers have the most difficult task in the world; we graduate to motherhood the same day a child is born...and we didn't go to school for it! Parents learn while walking the road and nowadays there is more information which is of great help compared to the past.

Someone taught me that people who leave a mark in your life are always inside of you. Even when they are not around you can travel to your heart and think of how that person would have answered to your questions as well as give you warmth. My mother is definitely one of those.
Thank you mom for being who you are. Becoming a mother myself contributed in understanding all the sacrifices someone does in the name of true love. Yet it is the best feeling one could ask for.
Thank you. I love you.

Who walks by my side
for the length of the journey
with each dream, each look,
Mother.

Who wraps all of me,
in a never ending warmth
in love, in worry,
Mother.

Just embrace me
and see who's dearest to me of all
don't change for me
don't leave me ever, ever.
You know the way,
to the heart that has no secret
your hand touches my soul
and covers everything.

Who gives all of herself
without a shadow of regret
in her soul close to me
dear Mother.
You were never broken
you never err
you wipe away my tear,
Mother.

Like a sun you shine

and evil turns to good
come Mother, take the fear
and hug me close.

( From the dance "Ima"- Mother )

Dancing the year away

We are very close to the end of the year and I see many folk dance celebrations coming up around the country.
I am having my last 2010 Dance Party this coming Saturday as well so I feel the excitement around the corner.

Most of us dance leaders feel the need to rejoice with our extended families by showing our love in motion. The main attire being the dance shoes, we gather not only to share snacks but mostly our love for the choreographies that captured our hearts and make us sing along while moving in circles.

I was reading about the origins of dance in the world and it is interesting to point out that dance has been certainly an important part of ceremony, rituals, celebrations and entertainment since before the birth of the earliest human civilizations.
It was used in a structured way to tell myths and show feelings even before language existed.
Even though there is a countless amount of styles, they all have something in common: Dance is used as a form of expression, social interaction and involves a spiritual connection.

Dance is generally compared to life; learning to flow effortlessly through it is a stimulating task yet more fun when shared with others.
Even when not being part of a dance community it is refreshing to play some music and just move to the rhythm. Don't forget it is healthy for the body and soul as well :-)

To me, dancing makes me feel in the moment. I am present, alive and every minute counts.
In this crazy world; we forget to live in the moment at times..we save for the future, we take our time to ask for forgiveness, we are afraid to show our feelings, we make plans long in advance dismissing our everyday treasure: life. It is all about the little moments that we add up.
I am wishing you feel the spirit of peace and love that dance gives me. Embrace it and share it these holidays. When in need of a smile, remember to dance!

This is the time to wake up
to a nicer world
to touch with a great love in our hearts
this is the time to come close,
there is no more fear of pain 

Together we are one, ooh...
hope rises in our hearts, hey...
I know that we, we can make it if we try
look into your soul,
listen to your heart
I will love you forever 

( From the song "Ze Hazman"-It's the time )

The end is where we start from

I read the following quote from T.S. Elliot today :
"What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from."

As we are approaching the end of the year I felt this statement could be a good starting point to think about our actions, accomplishments, emotions as well as how we see ourselves looking back.

It also made me reflect on the difficulty it poses to close a cycle at times. We are afraid of what's going to come; taking a step to the unknown feels like falling into an abyss. What if I am alone? What if I loose what I had? What if I don't feel comfortable in my new skin? How am I going to be seen by my peers? Are they going to think less of me if I make this change?

Sometimes faith can be a great ingredient to use when a new beginning comes. It is something we have inside which can teach and help us become stronger throughout our lives. 
Staying positive yet being calm when capable will help appreciate everything coming our way.
Accepting that we can succeed at our new endeavours is at times more difficult than making peace with things we are afraid to let go.

This is just the beginning of the end of the year. A signal to kickoff the tornado of thoughts before we encounter the new commencement, or the end.

It's the time,it's the day, it's the moment

The freedom is calling me from all the roads

It's the time, it's the day, it's the moment

The freedom is calling me to take the exit to new lives.

(From Hatchala Chadasha- New Beginning )



 

I still have more strength

Last Thursday I was scheduled to run an event in San Francisco during the evening.
I left home one hour and 45 minutes before the job since I am about 45 minutes away of SF downtown and I knew the traffic conditions could become somewhat challenging.
While driving the road went from bad to worse; with every minute lost stuck in the freeway my heart was hurting more. After one half hour I called my contact person and left a message explaining the situation as well as saying I would probably be late.
A while passed and my phone call was returned. The young lady was clearly unhappy that I was trapped in my car and regretted I didn't plan better. I expressed my disappointment as well and told her I was trying my best to make it as fast as I could.
Traffic became a nightmare and the ride ended up taking two and a half hours. Imagine my feelings..I was upset, running from my car to the building; reasoning how I was going to break the ice and do my best for this job.
When I finally stood at the door of the place, I get another phone call from her. Right away I let her know I am on my way in to what she says: Well, you can turn around and go home because it's too late; people are starting to leave already and there's no point on starting the dance session. I am very disappointed that you are unprofessional. My director was here and all the people who came for this event left let down by you. Can you imagine how I felt? After sitting for two hours and a half, feeling useless and ashamed in my car, I hear this. I apologized many times and took full responsibility for being late; I also let her know I never thought this ride could take the time it did. But she didn't care. She just let me know she accepted the apologies and would never call me back.

I cried all the way to the parking lot while lamenting not thinking better. I'm quite new in the Bay Area and never had this kind of traffic problem before. After I came back home I wrote an email to the hiring person and again, apologized truly from my heart taking charge for what happened.
I  never got a reply.
All in all, I decided to share this story because it happened the same night I wrote about feeling guilty..It almost feels as if I anticipated what happened.

Yesterday while talking to my brother in law while our visit in San Antonio, I told him the story and he simply said: "Listen, this is what it is. Traffic happens, this person was probably in a bad spot because you couldn't show up and she will never forgive you. Don't expect her to ever call back..But, this is life, you learn and move on."     
It definitely sounded much simpler than all the feelings in my head.

I realized I had been very upset at looking irresponsible and making such a mistake, then the truth is that there was an element I couldn't control, and life is just like this..there are things we can't command.
This blog is just about finding that balance, forgiving myself and moving on.
I am blessed to have good friends and loved ones close who are supportive and even if I was responsible for what happened they are around to tell me it's ok and life goes on.

This is just about remembering the road is full of stones.We can get stuck and stop our trip or just find a way to get around them..don't you think?

I still have more strength now
just to take it all, it's already written and forgiven
and the heart becomes recovered
and the rain stopped
and then the moon comes back
spring is again arriving,
back again      

(From "Yesh Bi Od Koach"-I still have more strength )

Friday

Another week comes to an end.
Mine was busy, challenging, hectic, happy as well as lacking some sleep. Will I ever nap again? :)
We are leaving today on a trip to visit family in Texas. I've never been there so it should be fun!

Hanukkah is over , the rush of the holiday preparations got to everyone! At least in my town.
This is the time when we start thinking about the year passed; we check our to do lists and mark what we accomplished and what we yet have to do.

I will write about my list very soon. For the moment I am signing off wishing you all a peaceful weekend. I hope you find the time to rest, reflect, enjoy nature and let yourself be surprised by life. Same as I will try to do.
Have a great weekend!

A rose will blossom in my garden
At dusk, the evening will glow
In my window the doves will sing
And in my heart it's Sabbath Eve

(From "Erev Shabbat"- Shabbat Eve)

Guilty?

Have you ever felt guilty of something you did or were part of?
I do remember feeling like this in the past as well as some present conditions that put me in that spot.

Sometimes a situation can be lived as just a bad experience or an unforgettable moment that teaches us for the future except that for others it can become a lifelong torture. In the last option, the condition repeats over and over again without any resolution other than feeling uncomfortable and impotent.
Moreover, if you feel responsible in part for what happened; the guilt can be accompanied with feelings of frustration, fury and even depression.

I understand there are events we can't change, but living trapped in the past with all those negative feelings can't be of any good for your life. I think it is important to find the courage to reconcile with the world and oneself, to ask for forgiveness, repair and most of all keep moving forward looking for reasons to make life special. We only have one chance.

Guilt can be pushed away if we bring in acceptance together with being brave. Then we become better human beings.
Don't forget that we make mistakes, yet this faults can be used to learn and grow.
Now don't think for a minute that because I am writing this it makes it any easier. Many times I find myself feeling responsible for something I don't know how to change for the better..then months later I still am in the same corner.
I guess I need to be stronger and try harder. If I leave judgement aside I may accomplish positive results next time.
 The main thing is remembering to be grateful as life gives us always new chances to improve.

Don't worry,
after the noise there is silence
After the rain there is a rainbow in the cloud

Don't worry,
if there is pain, there is love
After the crying,
there is always a reason to laugh
Don't worry

( From "Al Tidag"- Don't Worry)

Ready to play?

Last night I went to an open house for a school I am interested in; then this morning I visited a kindergarten where I could be sending my toddler next fall. How funny is that?

The meeting I attended for my prospective school produced mixed feelings. It was a weird amount of being anxious, nervous and wondering if I remember what it is to be in an educational setting after so many years of being on the "teacher" side. I tried to imagine myself sitting at a class taking notes and interacting with other students:
I was afraid to ask questions; I was wondering if my inquires would be silly compared to the rest of the people..some of them looked so determined!
I decided to just be in the moment and see how I felt.

This morning my daughter came with me to see the preschool. The second we entered the first classroom she asked me to take her out of her stroller and there she went. She blended with toys and kids; she started playing with pots and pans, walking around and saying: "Wow"..wow!  (she says wow when she sees something new and appealing..so imagine how many wows she said! :)

I wish I was like her. Life takes our "fresh approach" on things as we walk it, doesn't it? When we meet a grownup who is more playful at times we see him as immature.
I know; extremes are not good for us, but being aware that we need to get in touch with our "inside toddler" from time to time is important.
Looking at things not only from a "wow" perspective but also feeling confident that whatever I have in me to share will be unique, makes experience richer.

This whole event of things made me also ponder about the emotions lived by new dancers who try a class. You may feel like you know very little even when you've been exercising for a while; or that you can't add much to the group..but you always can. Don't forget you have your own abilities and trying something unfamiliar fortifies your weaknesses. Then, you are creating self confidence.

Can you challenge yourself to try one new thing with kids eyes? Yet if you do it all the time would you help someone else who doesn't? :)

 Melodies of childhood are already distant.
Even the guitar is ashamed to speak.
And no one remains for me, who will tell the story...
(From "Metukim"- Sweets)